♫ He's gonna take you back to the past ♫
♫ To play the shitty games that suck ass ♫
♫ He'd rather have a buffalo ♫
♫ Take a diarrhea dump in his ear ♫
♫ He'd rather eat the rotten asshole ♫
♫ Of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer ♫
♫ He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard... ♫
♫ He's the angry Nintendo nerd... ♫
♫ He's the angry Atari, Sega nerd... ♫
♫ He's the Angry Video Game Nerd! ♫
Before there was Rambo and the Terminator, there was Dirty Harry,
which made Clint Eastwood into one of the original Badass action stars from the modern era.
Now, of course because the movie was rated R, it got made into an NES game.
And while the movie was Dirty Harry, the game was straight-up filthy.
Now there existed five Dirty Harry movies,
so the game doesn't follow any specific one of the story lines. It kind of invents its own.
The title screen opens with the classic line from Sudden Impact.
"Go ahead, make my day."
And that does make my day because it sounds pretty good.
Too bad everything after that goes downhill.
It's like cutting the brake lines on a dump truck, and then it crashes into a sewage treatment plant,
but the dump truck was actually full of shit to begin with.
*PPBPBBBBBLLLLLL*
Uh, just listen to that music. Sounds like someone was beat to death with a synthesizer.
It's a symphony of electronic farts.
When you press start, you'll be given the option of starting from the beginning or entering a password,
specifically for level 2 or 3.
There's only three levels... Well, that's good! Hehe... How bad could this be?
He, he, he, stupid question.
Start the game and you're immediately ganged up on by two assholes,
while another asshole reigns molotov cocktails down on you.
Molotov cocktails down on you though. I do like the little pose Harry does when he gets hit
That's great. Looks like something Elvis would do
When you beat them up two more guys come out
Geez, is there any city with this much crime the whole city is trying to murder a police officer in broad daylight?
I can't even get past the first screen without losing a life
Oh, maybe because you have to hit a and B together to jump because why make the controls easy to use
I mean if you're gonna have diarrhea you might as well splatter the toilet seat while you're at it I
Walk in these buildings and there's snakes all over just slithering it up. Oh
Jeez, Alice Cooper left his damn snakes all over the place why there's snakes in the apartments
Anyway, I mean sure the main villain in the game is named anaconda, but why do they have to take it so literal?
It's not like scorpion from Mortal Kombat actually throws scorpions at people
Come on, I'm a cop not animal control
there's also rooms with laser floors and this big bastard if you get close he punches you straight across the room and
Bullets bounce right off them. So tons of snakes
Psychotic citizens and a giant bulletproof enemy like what the fuck is wrong with this place?
All right. Well, I don't know what I'm doing. So let's check the manual
Okay, you can kick by pressing up and B, which also opens the crates that makes sense
I guess you can also use crowbars to break into closed apartments, but be careful because they can only be used once
who ever heard of disposable crowbars or they actually made a Crow's and
By the way, the health power-ups are chili dogs. Who's he think he is Sonic the Hedgehog
You can also jump on the small boxes on the floor to find ammo money bombs and bags of cocaine
dude
It's an NES game where you're collecting bags of cocaine
So it happened to narc, but that whole game was like an anti-drug statement here. You're just collecting cocaine
Finally after stopping and kicking everything in sight you pick up a flashlight
Which allows you to see in the sewers later in the game. I also ran into this guy who doesn't do anything
He just flips a coin. I tried. I tried kicking. I tried punching him, but guess what?
You have to jump right on him and then you get his clothes
What you never jumped on a complete stranger and instantly switched clothes with them
So now Dirty Harry turns into John Travolta from Saturday Night Fever
Oh and on the back of the game
They had the screenshots for both the Travolta and Elvis poses because they knew it was awesome
Oh and the giant guy, I guess you can walk past them now because you're wearing a disguise
Then there's this lady who gives you some extra lives. That's great and all but there's no reason to come in here
other than that
Why go through all that if it's not gonna progress the story and who cares about the extra lives because soon I died anyway
this game is yet another one of those where the fuck do I go kind of games I ran around for 20 minutes like a
Chicken with its head cut off and barely accomplished anything. Well, luckily. There's an infinite lives code. Yeah, it's cheap, but fuck it
So the password to get infinite lives is Clyde
Clyde is the orangutan from another Clint Eastwood film every which way but loose
So I guess the developers were big Clint Eastwood fans
But a better way to honor him would have been to make a game that doesn't suck ass
So anyway, the infinite live should make the game easier, but it doesn't look at how agile Harry is
I mean he could be in the Olympics. He jumps 10 foot gaps from ladders and hops along rooftops
Imagine Clint Eastwood moving like that in real life
After smashing everyone's apartment again and park whoring through most of San Francisco. I hit the first sewer section
It's filled with rats roaches and remote-control cars a little reference to the fit film the Deadpool
The sewer has a real electrical problem, too
Because there's open wires that will fry Harry if he touches them you run around like a rat in a maze
Hitting switches and looking for a way out. It's tedious as hell and takes forever
But then again all Harwell games need to have sewers because that's where they belong
Ok, we're finally here we get to fight the boss. The boss is easy. Just keep shooting and dodging his shots until he dies
It's not it there's still more. Oh
So that was only a mini-boss
I've been on this level for almost half an hour and it's still going you can beat other games in that time
So you shimmy across electric wires go into an alley and boom another boss fight
He's also easy just get to the roof and shoot him
And yeah, of course, there's still more go into the building find the gas mask
Which lets you go into the poisons gas rooms. So let's check out what's in here, huh? Nothing good
What how do I get out? I'm stuck
There's no way out
Oh
You got to be shitting me this right here is one of the most notorious fuck yous I've ever seen the dreaded
Hahaha room. It's literally a dead end. The only option you have is to reset the game
Okay, get the flashlight jump through the alleys get through the shit
Stench sewers fight the bomb guy fight. The gun guy get the gas mask avoid the haha room and
Finally make it to the final sewer. And this one's red for some reason. Guess like it's taking you to hell
Alright, so I get to this door and for whatever reason I can't open it did the game glitch
Oh, and I can't go back because this other room is filled with water
And also I can't jump to the platform from the pipe
This game does not want me to beat it
And just to remind you this whole thing is only the first level
I am NOT playing level 1 again. So let's check out some passwords
Misty gets you to level 2 and bird gets you level 3. So apparently they're both obscure Clint Eastwood references
Misty is a reference to the film play
Misty for me and bird is a biopic that Eastwood directed about a jazz saxophone player
Well, is this Dirty Harry the game or is it Clint Eastwood the game?
So anyway level 2 starts and it's just a normal linear stage no rooms. No alleys no dead ends
Why wasn't the first stage like this? It's not great, but it's at least a normal side-scrolling level
This part here is actually kind of cool
You kick a barrel into the water and shoot it to kill the guy that's pretty neat
But of course there's this whole platform jumping portion because why not push these broken control to the absolute test
Once again, I'm stuck. I can't figure out how to get across
I think I have to jump on the box, but fuck it. My patience is dead from level one. So let's try level three bird
So Harry takes a boat, which I assume happened in the second level according to the manual the last levels on Alcatraz
Which is a reference to the third movie the enforcer. It's another linear level
But this time they brought out the big guns literally everyone shooting at you and it's damn near impossible
How is anyone supposed to play this this game was made in?
1994 kids why make a twenty-year-old?
R-rated movie into a video game why make a dead end room why reference a bunch of other Clint Eastwood movies as passwords?
Not to mention. There's a fourth password Gunny. It's Eastwood's character from Heartbreak Ridge and guess what it does
nothing
Supposedly the password exists. However, it wasn't programmed to activate any part of the game such a missed opportunity
Not just the Gunny password the whole fucking game
Imagine what this game could have been a level like Hogan's Alley where you shoot bad guys a car-chase
Level through the hilly streets of San Francisco even a motorcycle level like from the movie Magnum force
Hell there's even an unused motorcycle sprite in the game code
So then you reach Mount shitty caca, which is basically just a mountain of pixelated piss and shit
What am I supposed to do here? I don't know what I'm jumping on. I don't know what's going on
I've made it as far as I can go. I'm sorry, but a man's got to know his limitations
I'm shit out of patience. And this game is shit out of luck
I know what you're thinking did he fire six shots or only five?
We'll tell you the truth and all this excitement. I kind of lost track myself
But being this is a Konami justifier the most powerful light gun in the world
It would blow your label clean off. You gotta ask yourself one question
Do I feel lucky?
Well, do ya
punkk
joe was here 6/25/18 BAZINGA!